It isn't that easy for the villain, too
by feanen
Summary: Several short one-shots dealing with Sauron. Pre LOTR


Sauron just about managed to get past the doorork before his lateness would have been unacceptable. Balancing a pile of assorted files in his hands he made sure to keep to the right hand side of the corridor in accordance with directive 87634.3a which decreed that incoming personnel should always use the right while leaving orks and other villains should use the left side of the corridor. Before that, collisions had been common between those coming in late and those leaving early (and most of the time with large file piles distributed across the width of the passageway (in a jumble of course)).

When he arrived at his office, his assistant, an ork named Vodelborscht, asked: "Have you seen the headline already?"

"No, what does it say?" Asked Sauron, while he deposited his files on his desk which was currently housing a plethora of motions from the Ministry for the Development of Torture Techniques.

"Lord Morgoth has been banned to a place nobody can reach, apparently", Vodelborscht summarised.

"Oh, this means the boss is on an extended leave", Sauron replied happily.

"Er, your Malice", Vodelborscht ventured, "you are aware of the fact that you have to take over now, are you?"

"But I have not received a memo on that yet!" Sauron answered defiantly. "Therefore, I do not have to." He added, a bit petulantly.

"I would not count on that", his assistant said, "you know how slow the administrative machinery is. The former general Grishnaphook is still waiting for the official memo on his demotion – and he lost that battle over 250 years ago."

Sauron mumbled something that couldn't be discerned but was decidedly unfriendly. Vodelborscht patted his shoulder consolingly and left the room. He kindly took the chaos on Sauron's desk with him – at least the new job had some advantages.

------------

A couple of centuries later, Sauron walked into his office, whistling, at half past seven in the morning. Vodelborscht, who sat at his desk in the antechamber, dropped his coffee mug in surprise whose contents seeped into his uniform made from assorted black cloth scraps and furs of non-discernible origin. He stared at his boss in surprise: "What are you doing her so early", the ork finally asked, still a bit baffled.

"Why early?" Sauron asked puzzled.

"It is half past seven."

"Oh, this explains everything", Sauron murmured to himself, "This is why it was so full on the roads." Normally, Sauron did not turn up until half past one.

"Anyway", Sauron addressed Vodelborscht: "Last night, I had a terrific idea which will surely advance our plans regarding world domination."

Vodelborscht looked at the scrap of paper Sauron held out to him with a decidedly confused expression.

"Is something wrong?" Sauron demanded.

"Oh no, no", Vodelborscht hastened to assure his boss; "it is just that I cannot read what is written there. Is that something like stenography?"

"Er, yes. This is stenography 23456bhi – for CEOs." Sauron was in the process of constructing a white lie. But nobody had to know that. Due to the fact that, next to approximately 246,785 new motions and directives every year in Mordor, there also were several different new writing styles this little whit lie would never be discovered. By the way, this was also the reason why some misguided, tidy-minded individuals never managed to enforce a single, universal alphabet.

Sauron, however, preferred to tell his subordinate of his plan rather than lingering on the issue of writing styles. He just did not want to admit that he was not able to read what he had written last night himself. After he drank three, for or perhaps fifteen beers he had fallen asleep on his couch. At about three a.m. he had woken up with an urgent need that needed to be relieved. On the way back he had fallen over the coffee table in the dark and had hit his head on the newspaper rack. The yellow circles that had danced in front of his eyes afterwards reminded him of something useful.

"I had thought of rings. We could –"

Sauron was interrupted by an enthusiastic Vodelborscht: "This is a great idea Your Malice! We will make rings for the humans, elves and dwarwes that will not be useful to them at all but we will not tell them that. And then we could make one for you that really is a magical device. This is just brilliant, Your Lordship!"

The ork could not be stopped now. He had already left the room to notify the Ministry of Espionage which necessary actions (in Vodelborscht's opinion) had to be taken.

"Er, yes, this is how we are going to do it", Sauron told the empty room. Nobody had to know either, that this was not exactly the idea Sauron had come up with. After all, Vodelborscht's plans tended to be better anyway.

--

"Well, I do not know", Sauron said and halted in perusing the documents regarding the infiltrating of the Elves in order to get them to accept the rings, "I am okay with the notion of an assumed name but I will not take such a stupid one. What does that look like?! After all, as a dark lord I have a reputation to uphold!"

"But you are undercover as an elf. They will never know who you really are", Vodelborscht reasoned.

"Well, okay", Sauron grumbled reluctantly, "but Annatar, who ever thought of such a name?!"

"I think it means something with gifts when you translate it", the ork said, thumbing through the paperwork the Ministry of Espionage had sent.

"Still, this name is stupid", the dark lord answered disgruntled. "During the next inter-dimensional villain meeting I will be the butt of all jokes!"

Sauron turned to the box containing the equipment. "What in Morgoth's name is this?" He asked horrified as soon as he had opened it.

"I thinks it is a robe", Vodelborscht supplied helpfully.

"I know this myself. After all, I own several, too", Sauron replied testily. "But this looks more like a dress and to top it off, this is a horrid colour."

Vodelborscht read out the relevant passage in the papers: "Robes how male elves wear it in the shade of the season – pale violet."

"Do I have to adopt every trend?" Sauron asked, still clearly irritated. "I think I will take one of my own. Firstly, they do not have a disturbing similarity to a dress and secondly come in acceptable colours like black or dark red. They would fit me much better."

"But my Lord", Vodelborscht said, "the most important aspect of undercover work is not to draw undue attention to yourself."

Sauron grumbled, defeated.

--

Just two weeks after Sauron had left on his mission Vodelborscht looked up baffled as his boss rushed through the ork's office unannounced, without offering a greeting and swept down the 800+ pages research paper on "The Usefulness of Elven Weapons as Lamps, Including an Analysis of the General Harmfulness of Blue Light and Its Effects on the Eyes" in his wake. Flabbergasted, Vodelborscht looked on as the pages slowly fluttered to the floor.

"Is everything okay?" he asked Sauron cautiously after a while and peered into the dark lord's office.

He did not get an answer, since his boss was occupied with drinking down the still full schnapps bottle he kept in his office in a singe gulp.

"Yes, this is better", Sauron sighed after he had finished the bottle.

Vodelborscht only stared at the dark lord's attire. He wore, next to black boxer shorts with red polka dots, something which suspiciously looked like a cream coloured blanket which was draped artfully around Sauron's body.

"Is that a new elven fashion trend?" The ork asked curiously after a while.

"Damn, I have totally forgotten about this!" the dark Lord exclaimed. Apparently stabilized by the schnapps, this severe operating accident did not affect him as much as it usually would have.

"Is that really elven fashion? It seems to be a bit breezy to me, especially now that it is autumn", Vodelborscht pressed his boss.

"Oh, no, no", Sauron replied. "The elves are all wearing this weird dress-like robes or tunics and breeches in horrid colours."

"But it still does not explain your attire, Your Malice," Vodelborscht stated.

"Male relatives really are a bother sometimes," Sauron replied absently while he searched his office for the spare robe he had stored somewhere. Finally, he found it, put it on and sat behind his desk.

"Well, but what about the rings?" Vodelborscht enquired, letting the issue slide. The ork just could not believe his boss had actually worked properly without seeing proof.

"All done," replied his boss.


End file.
